It’s Been A While…

It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date but as always, all dating apps/sites are very busy in the new year as everyone seems to have made a resolution that this will be the year that they find someone so everybody seems to make a big effort, well for 5 minutes at least so it’s been no surprise to find loads of messages from guys all wanting to get to know me better. So after sifting through them and not even replying to the 80% of “Hi” I got into conversation with a few guys and decided to meet up with “P” for coffee at Media City. For some reason some dating experts sneer at coffee dates but for me it’s a really good way of finding out if we might want to go on an actual date and an hour is long enough (too long sometimes) for both of us if the conversation has dried up but to be fair that has never ever happened as most of my dates don’t know when to shut up.

I’d spoken to P on the phone a couple of times and I had noticed that he did talk a lot but I put it down to maybe nerves and also maybe he liked the sound of his own voice but here we were at the coffee place where I was about to find out.

He liked to talk.

It’s been a while since I’ve had my ears battered with the sound of whinging bitter middle aged men and I had almost forgotten how much they can go on about themselves, but especially about an ex. Guaranteed that when a guy makes a reference to an ex but then says “I don’t want to talk about it” I’m being told things I don’t want to know within 10 minutes. P was no exception but by the end of his tirade I was feeling sorry for his ex. He called her stupid, a bitch, and the reason they split up was because “She said NO to EVERYTHING!” I’m guessing that wasn’t the reason, she probably called it quits when she found out he’d been buying properties but not putting her name on them (which he was bragging about) but all he could focus on was how many times he had to tell her how to use the washing machine properly as she had a habit of shrinking clothes when washing them. I didn’t even give P an hour, my excuse (which was the truth) was that I had to get into Manchester to an open mic comedy might where I was praying that the acts would be funny after such a depressing date because this is what these guys don’t seem to realise, we’ve met up because we could be interested in each other so what better way to impress than express your hate for an ex. The last date I had before this one didn’t shut up about his holiday in Havana so if anyone is planning a trip there then get in touch because I can tell you all you need to know. He was still talking when I put my coat on, picked my bag up and walked off, maybe women are also guilty of this, who knows?

It’s not been all bad though, any older women on dating sites will tell you that they get messages from young guys in their early twenties and I’m no exception but usually after saying thanks but no thanks they go away but for some reason I have a particular 23 yr old who seems very persistent, we all know his reasons for wanting an older woman but it does make me smile and yes it does give you a confidence boost. But how ironic when a lot of older guys my age want younger women but I’ll put money on that they aren’t getting messages from them asking for sex.

Now could somebody please pass me the earplugs.

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Tinder Problems

I’ve not yet had one single date from being on Tinder, not one. I turned up for one but my date didn’t, only to be told (after I’d messaged him that I was at the designated meeting point and I couldn’t see him) that actually, something had come up so he’d have to check when he was free again and let me know.

Good luck with that mate.

I’ve had a few conversations, but no one I’m remotely interested in especially after the couple of happy go lucky souls I’ve been chatting with this past week. One of them “B” seemed a bit quiet, a bit shy, (fine) and during the day we didn’t communicate much as we were both at work but later on in the evening I’d get what he probably considered to be flirty texts, but in fact were inappropriate and offensive, and I told him. “Oh it’s just my sense of humour love.” And that’s the problem. A lot of older guys don’t realise we are now in the 21st century and humour acceptable in the 1970’s is now inexcusable. The same thing happened a couple of times, this guy didn’t get in touch until late evening after he’d had a couple of drinks which made him brave but totally offensive. “This isn’t working B, can’t get a decent conversation out of you until you’ve had a few drinks  and then I don’t want to hear what you have to say”. He explained that he couldn’t relax until he’d put his 11 yr old daughter who lived with him to bed.

What??

Not only had he dug his own grave with the offensive “jokes” he’d now flung himself in it telling me he had a young daughter who lived with him. I expect the guys I date to have grandchildren, not younger kids who still live with them. I’m not a single person in my 20’s/30’s or even 40’s where I would expect that, this guy is 61 and I for one am not signing up to be someone’s step mum. He also had three daughters, and we all know what happened one time I went on a date with another guy who had three daughters, he left halfway through the date after receiving a phone call from one of them for some “emergency”.  But B knew his days were numbered and in a last ditch attempt to change my mind he said ” I’ve lost weight since those profile pictures were taken.”

Game over.

Another guy I was chatting with went straight in for the kill, no messing about, no chat, just when and where should we meet but “Not on Tuesday as it’s my mother’s funeral.”  Personally I’d have thought he had other things to worry about other than chasing dates but there we go. Tinder problems. I also had the same problem on Match though, not a single date from that, just guys too lazy to message even and just send a “wink” to let you know they’re interested. Sorry guys, no effort, no reply. And let’s not forget all the matches made, only to be unmatched an hour later for whatever reason I will never know.

Tinder problems, who needs ’em.

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Ask A Stupid Question…

One of the things I love about Twitter is having a ringside seat at some of the spats that go on between total strangers, (and I have been known to get into one or two scuffles myself) but time and again, especially when everyone’s watching any current dating programme on TV, the same question gets asked of dating/relationship experts who do it for a living.  “How can you possibly know what you’re talking about if you’re single?” A lot of people seem to think single people are a failure with bad advice to give if they themselves haven’t managed to find the Holy Grail.

I beg to differ.

I for one would rather take advice from someone who’s still on the playing field, still in the game who can offer advice on how to play. Someone who knows how much the dating game has changed in the past few years, it wasn’t that long ago when there was a huge stigma attached to online dating, now there’s hundreds of apps to choose from and it’s where most people will find what they’re looking for. I would rather take advice from someone who is also going on the bad dates, who is also getting ghosted, breadcrumbed, benched, catfished, who knows how absolutely exhausting it all is, but keeps on doing it anyway. The reason these people giving advice are single, is probably the same reason we all are. We know what we’re worth so won’t settle for second best, won’t put up with drama, the “not sure what I’m doing that night”, the cancelling of dates 2 hours before you’re due to meet up, the chasing after you and saying all the right things until you finally give in and agree to a date only for them to lose interest. The guys who say maybe you’re the one but then you find out they’ve been seen out with someone else, or the ones who want a relationship but all on their terms.  I want to hear advice from someone who still knows how hard it is, not someone who’s been in a relationship forever and hasn’t a clue how much things have changed.

It’s a little bit different for me as I’m in the older dating puddle (certainly not a pool) but I have a lot of the same problems as everyone else, so I’m always open to any good dating advice, especially coming from someone who is single.

The struggle is real guys.

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Sorry Not Sorry

Now and again I ask Twitter to stop recommending that I follow other dating bloggers, as I have now reached my absolute limit of following so many women in their 20s/30s who all have a tale to tell but which inevitably becomes the same one.

I’ve been where you are, dated the same guys with the same bad result. The narcissist, the commitment phobe, the guys who have already got a girlfriend, the ones who are on a rebound, the ones who want you back when they hear you’ve found someone new. The insecure ones who are controlling, abusive but it’s all because they love you so much. The ridiculously good looking ones that rely totally on their looks and have the personality of a cobweb. The charming ones who always have a really good story as to why they let you down big time by not turning up for your sister’s wedding/nephew’s christening or Christmas day at your parents. The cheats, the liars, the ones who say you’ve got issues when you try to confront them with the latest Facebook message from some girl you don’t know telling you bad things about your guy and what he’s been up to. I’ve dated them all at some time or other and as you get older you’ll realise that there are certain things you won’t put up with anymore.

As an older dater you probably think we don’t have much in common but believe it or not, some guys don’t learn lessons. I’ve been breadcrumbed, ghosted, catfished and been let down at literally the last minute on the way to meet up. It would seem some things don’t change and as we all know the problem with dating apps/sites is that guys are not willing to commit in case there’s a shinier prettier, funnier younger version of you just around the corner.

I totally understand why some women a lot younger wouldn’t feel as though they could relate to an older dating blogger, how could we possibly be on the same page? I’ve had my family so the pressure is off for me in hoping to meet someone to start a new life with, so there is that difference. But no one gets married to get divorced, you just never know where life’s going to take you so all of us on the dating scene is actually meeting the same guys, they’re just called different names but at my age mine are certainly not known as “the boy”.

So here’s the thing. As much as I’d love to read each and every blog it does become a bit like groundhog day where I feel as though I’m reading the same story all the time, and sometimes it’s a bit like all the teenage angst we all went through. Does he like me? Should I have said that? He’s seen my message on Whats App 5 hours ago and not replied? What if he thinks this that and the other?  Was going to tell him I love him but not heard from him for 2 weeks? The ones I end up visiting on a frequent basis are the ones that tell me about other stuff that’s going on in their lives as well as all the dating drama. Sorry ladies but there it is.

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I Don’t Need No Bad Advice

If you’re a regular on any form of social media then you know that sometimes not everyone will agree with some of your opinions, which is not really a problem if everyone agrees to disagree but sometimes I have had unwanted, unasked for advice from so called “dating experts”. Looking at my profile you will see that I’m an older dater, a little bit past my prime, but trust me I would have given any of you younger ladies a run for your money back in the day. Anyone who’s out there dating and trying to find someone will know how hard it is no matter what age you are, and some of the problems are ones we can all relate to, but I seriously didn’t know how hard older dating is until I tried it myself.

Not so long ago I tweeted about keeping the conversation going in the time between arranging a date and actually meeting up as I’ve been let down a few times (usually the day before or on my way to meet up) when there’s not been much contact. Imagine my surprise when a so called “dating expert” tweeted back to say that there should be no contact once the date is confirmed. I beg to differ, that leaves the way open for Sexy Sally who’s profile pics are of her sprawled across her bed/car bonnet/sofa in her Primarni underwear promising all sorts of things. At least if you’re keeping up the banter with your date he might decide to at least meet up with you before he goes off into the night with S.S. This expert also advised to maybe try to meet up as soon as soon as possible (maybe the next day) if  there was a chance the guys were going to get cold feet. Listen love, you’ve probably advised all us singletons to have busy social lives so which one is it? If I and all the rest of the dating world have arranged to meet a date in a few days it’s because of work commitments/social commitments and I for one am not prepared to cancel a “stripping for beginners” class and to be fair I would hope that my date wouldn’t cancel his “how to assemble flat packed furniture” class either.

Another gem was being told not to be on any dating sites/apps on Friday and Saturday evenings so that it looks like I’m too busy being out and about. Let’s face it, older daters are very likely to be home Friday or Saturday nights baby sitting the grandkids and if single, would probably appreciate a couple of chats with other singles on dating sites. I for one enjoy being out Sundays to be honest, late afternoon until around 10/11 pm because on Sundays there seems to be more of a mixed age group around. But it all sounds too much like game playing, to be told not to be available at weekends, by someone who’s probably not going to be in my position for at least 30 years if ever. Stick to what you know love because  older dating is certainly not one of them. I’m always interested in what someone who supposedly does this for a living,  has to say to someone like me as I’m all for getting some tips and good advice, and from a couple of more well known dating experts I actually have which I’ve appreciated.

But I don’t need no bad advice.

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Dating Is Exhausting

So Valentine’s Day has been and gone and I’m still single, just like I am the rest of the year. In a way I feel sorry for all the couples who feel under pressure to declare their love for each other on a particular day of the year, I would like to think I’d get flowers, chocolates and taken out for a romantic meal any old day of the week instead of being in a restaurant on February 14th with all the other couples trying to prove to the world how happy they are. But hey, I’m single, what the hell do I know?

What I do know is that a couple of weeks ago I was getting a couple of dates lined up with a couple of guys who seemed to be just what I was looking for. One of the guys was a bit younger than me (bonus) and he seemed really keen, a lot of texting, couple of phone calls and because all us single people like to make sure we have busy lives we arranged to meet a few days later. The day arrived when we were due to meet and as I hadn’t heard from him I didn’t get ready. Later that evening I had a text saying “Sorry, been really busy with my daughter, can’t make tonight.”  No I wasn’t impressed to say the least, because since the day we’d last spoken to arrange the date there had been no contact at all. I’d text him a couple of times and he’d replied but nothing like it had been so I was a bit confused.

Confused but bloody fuming.

The same thing happened with guy number 2, really keen and once we’d arranged a date all contact ceased, radio silence, nothing but apparently he’d been “too busy”.  I for one like to keep the communication going because I’ve been here too many times when just before I’m about to meet a guy he’s text (too scared to phone) to say he’s met someone else. Let’s be realistic here, we all keep our options open and I still chat to other guys when I’ve arranged a date with someone so it doesn’t surprise me if they do the same but I do think it doesn’t help if all communication/banter stops before you meet as guys are easily distracted by bright shiny things half undressed so I say keep talking.  Having said that, guy number 1 had the audacity to text me on the morning of February 14th to ask was I free that evening? Not for you love, no.

Dating is exhausting no matter what age you are, but it really is different when you’re older as everyone is bitter and cynical. I’ve heard too many stories of an ex wife/partner who took all the money/cheated and now these guys are really wary and I’m sure some women must have the same story. They tell you that they can have their ex back any time they want, even though that ex has been married to someone else for 20 years.  They tell you that their kids prefer them (as though it’s a competition) and they tell you that no, they don’t really want to find someone but they’re under pressure from the kids but they wouldn’t mind someone to go on holiday with. They tell you that they’d prefer you to be thinner, taller/shorter and with a different colour of hair. I could say the same as I’m sat across some bald fat misogynist who still doesn’t realise we’ve entered the 21st century. Dating is exhausting, time consuming and soul destroying, You have to keep hoping that you’re going to meet someone who you just click with, someone who you want to spend more and more time with, and who feels the same about you.

And don’t even get me started on the guys who slide into your DM’s on twitter asking for “fun and cheeky stories.”

Maybe I’ve reached the limit of stones unturned.

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Walking With Dinosaurs.

I’ve learned a lot while I’ve been dating dinosaurs. While some can exceed expectations, on the whole they are creatures of habit and like to stick to a routine no matter how many times they insist that they are “spontaneous, adventurous, not ready for pipe and slippers yet”. I beg to differ. While it’s true that as we age we still think that we’re 18, for some of these guys I think it might be 15 as sometimes it feels like we’re still playing the game, 60 year old men still keeping their options open even though they’re having a good time with you. No matter how many different men try to convince you that they’re looking for their last first date they will be off in a flash if a woman under 45 years old bats an eyelash in their direction.  As I have found that the same problems keep cropping up no matter what it says on someone’s profile, here’s an idea of what it’s like for a woman over 50 to be dating.

Where to meet.

As I live quite close to the centre of Manchester it’s easy for me to ask if someone is happy to meet up there and this is when the fun starts. I have rarely had a guy take control as hardly any of them ever venture into the city as “there’s no point”. Most of the guys live not too far from Manchester but as they’ve usually never been there in the last few years they aren’t really confident about where to meet. Could I recommend anywhere that’s not too noisy, not too expensive and not too far from the tram/bus stop? Because Manchester is so busy isn’t it? A thriving, busy, metropolis of people that my date will feel out of place in. So that puts paid to the bit on their profile that says “Young at heart.” but for me that tells me already he’s not for me.

Dating Apps.

I would love to be on some of these dating apps like Bumble, Happn, Voicecandy but what’s the point when I know that there will be virtually no men my age on any of them, so let’s stick to what we know shall we guys, like messaging on Plenty of Fish until someone just disappears or maybe just wants a pen friend, then there’s OK Cupid where you get messages from a load of men who live in America/Ireland/Tymbuktu. So that puts paid to the bit on their profile that says “Willing to try something new.”

Trendy dressers.

I always get a bit nervous when someone describes themselves as a trendy dresser, as it usually means that because they get their socks from Topman it now makes them trendy. Nothing wrong with that until they turn up in a black polo neck top and black smart trousers looking like they still work as a doorman at some nightclub that got knocked down years ago, along with the obligatory gold chain and pinky ring. Or the striped shirt that’s skin tight tucked into black trousers, or even a fleece with jeans and a gelled up hairstyle that would be the envy of any 25 year old male. We’re all older, hopefully we’ve developed our own style but still dressing like we did 30 years ago, well, I’ll never get used to that.

Unsolicited Bus Timetable Pics

I don’t get the pictures of a man’s anatomy, I get a picture of the bus timetable and the question “Which bus/tram will you be on?” He usually has an appointment at his local pub at some point so he needs to plan accordingly. In fact this dinosaur usually wants me to meet him at his usual watering hole so he doesn’t have to move out of his habitat. Which puts paid to the bit on his profile that says “Will relocate for the right woman.”

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This guy is a bit of  an action man with pics of him running/kayaking/zip-wiring/ climbing mountains so it’s highly likely that he doesn’t have much time for you. Most weekends he’s likely to be cycling, fell walking and maybe camping which puts paid to the bit on his profile that says “Loves to cuddle up on the sofa and watch TV.”

Peter Pan.

Any guy who still looks half decent will be in a last ditch attempt to try and attract the 35 year old that he still thinks he can get. So while you might be getting on great he’s still holding out for the woman who looks and dresses a damn sight better than you and will be at least 20 years younger. He will never settle so don’t waste your time although eventually he’ll probably go and see what Thailand has to offer, and let’s face it, you can’t compete with that.

Egos.

Some men just want to spend the whole date talking about themselves, they won’t want to hear about you and will tell you all about the interesting things they’ve done in their life. At some point they might ask you “So, have you done anything interesting?” You will definitely never see them again when you tell them, especially when it’s a lot more interesting than anything they’ve ever done. What they really want you to say is “Yes, went out twice today. Once to put the rubbish out, and once to the corner shop.”

There are many types of guys and while this is older guys I’m referring to the same might apply to the younger ones. Some things don’t change.

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