It’s Just a Little Crush.

I’ve not had a date in a while, although I’ve been having lots of conversations with wannabe Mr Wright’s I’ve not been on an actual date. Not to worry, I don’t think I’m missing much seeing as how they don’t even seem to remember my name anyway (Goddess to you) but what was even more worrying is the fact that I haven’t had a crush to lust after for a long long time, until recently.

I’d forgotten that feeling, catching sight of someone who you absolutely focus all your fantasies on, where you catch your breath and mentally run a mirror check over yourself hoping that your hair/make up and clothes are spot on. Maybe move a little closer to where he is but trying not to make it obvious even though you’ve probably gone beetroot and your heart is racing, and you’re concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other so you don’t trip up. He probably won’t even notice you but that’s ok, he’ll be paying attention to the woman who he’s with but if you’re lucky you might catch his eye and get a smile from him, and that’s enough.

Like I said, it’s been a while.

Where I work there are a lot of customers in and out every day, but a while ago I noticed a gorgeous guy in his late thirties who was just my type, tall dark and handsome. I say my type but in fact there has only been one guy who fits that description in any relationship that I’ve ever  had so what does that say? This man is gorgeous, and sometimes (if he’s lucky) I might spot where he is in the store and ask him does he need any help to find anything? And while Mother Nature has played that cruel trick by making us feel younger than we actually are, I don’t think he’d appreciate a woman who’s old enough to be his mother drooling all over him. But then again, he’ll never know.

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Domestic Abuse Isn’t Always Physical.

As Oscar Pistorious has at last been found guilty of murdering Reeva Steenkamp it brings up the issue of domestic violence but believe it or not, a lot of the time, an abusive partner doesn’t even have to lay a finger on you. Coercive control is very soon to be classed as an actual offence which carries a penalty of up to 5 years in prison, so let’s see how many misogynistic guys get away with the vile way they treat their girlfriends/wives/partners who they say they love.

When you meet someone and you find that you’ve got things in common, you’re getting on, loving the whole thing of spending time with them and all the rest of it, you’re not really looking for things to spoil it. Also your new guy isn’t going to show his true colours straight away as you’d probably run for the hills. No, you’ll get little glimpses at first but nothing really major, nothing to get you thinking that something is wrong, but it will definitely be something that you feel uncomfortable with but you’ll make excuses for him because this guy really LIKES you. In fact, he likes you that much he wants to spend all his spare time with you, and while he can’t tell you not to go out with your friends, he starts to make it plain that he doesn’t like it. He’s also not keen on any of your friends to be honest, and might even try to cause some sort of arguement between you and them, making it easier to isolate you from them. Will he have any female friends himself? Probably not.

Once your relationship is established you will see some changes in the way he talks to you, mainly negative remarks, about your job, friends, family, dress sense, how you have your hair, make up, and always adding that no one else will want you if, god forbid, he ever left you. If you’ve actually moved in together you’re in big trouble. He now has you exactly where he wants you but the problem is, you become confused because although you know what he’s doing is wrong, there is actually no violence. There are threats of withdrawing love, affection, and of him actually leaving you if you don’t comply to what he wants but it’s difficult to think you might actually be in an abusive relationship with no actual violence involved.

Don’t be fooled.

If he’s jealous of every male friend you have and wants you to cut all ties with them, you’re in an abusive relationship.

If you’re thinking of how to break the news to him that there’s a girl’s night out planned and knowing he’ll kick off, you’re in an abusive relationship.

If he’s slagging off all his ex-girlfriends/partners  and doesn’t have a nice word to say about any of them, you’re in an abusive relationship.

If you’re having to account how you’re spending your money (when you’re working) you’re in an abusive relationship.

If you’re having to explain to family members that once again you and your lovely partner won’t be attending the wedding/christening/funeral you’re in an abusive relationship.

If he’s constantly bringing you down with negative comments about yourself, you’re in an abusive relationship.

If you’ve started to walk on eggshells around him and watching what you say so he doesn’t get angry, you’re in an abusive relationship.

I could go on but you get the picture.

If your partner is saying that he loves you while making you feel worthless, he doesn’t even like you for god’s sake. The very things that attracted him in the first place will be the things that he’ll want you to change.

This doesn’t apply to most men thankfully, just a few who don’t actually like women, and hopefully you’ll never have the misfortune to meet one of them but if in doubt, wise words from Caitlin Moran.

“Never love someone whom you think you need to mend, or makes you feel like you should be mended. There are boys out there who look for shining girls, they will stand next to you and say quiet things in your ear that only you can hear, and that will slowly drain the joy out of your heart.”

 

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