WSOH (3)

It`s that time again boys and girls! Get your oxygen tank ready! I`m just going to unhook mine from the motorised scooter of my latest would be suitor…..
“Have my own teeth (because I hide them at night) most of my hair, which I rescued from the plughole over the years. I`ve recently joined a local skipping club because they have some great trips and they promised to show me the ropes..”
“Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog`s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head out of the window? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do people pay good money to go up tall buildings and put money in binoculars just to see what`s on the ground? Does pushing the lift button make it arrive faster? Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons? If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables what is baby oil made from? If quizzes are quizzical what are tests? Why is there a light in the fridge but not the freezer? Who was the first person to say”See that chicken over there I`m going to eat the first thing that comes out of it`s bum!”
“To meet my pet tiger
You must not be convicted of murdering your first husband.
You must not be French, German or indeed from Poland.
You must not live in a caravan pulled by a horse or indeed a transit pick-up.
You must not be a pirate.
You must not be a man or look like one.
You must not be in training to be a suicide bomber.
You must not live more than 10,000 miles away.
You must not drink more than 3 bottles of vodka a day.
You must not have sacrificed any man to Beelzebub in a church yard at midnight in the last 12 months.
You must not have more than 100 cats.”
Think I might have failed on 2 of those…then we have.
“I`ve no money, useless lover,very athletic. I`ve ran the 100 metres in 2 days and 14 seconds. I`m always at the gym, don`t actually go in it just sit in the bar eating a muffin watching all the idiots trying to get fit and paying for it. I`m fairly tall 4ft 1″, very smart dresser all my clothes are from Primark. I`ve a lovely smile though my teeth might fall out if I`m having a chewy steak.I`ve got a big boil on my nose but it comes in handy if I get lost at sea. I have a new car, well it was new in 1976 with fluffy dice in it and a powerful engine that goes for ages unlike myself. After reading my profile you will want to get in contact with me. I do understand, but you may be stuck in a queue when trying to get in touch. However, if you have 2 arms and legs and a head you will have a good chance of meeting me for coffee. Lastly…I would date an ugly woman but you will have to sit on the next table in the restaurant and walk behind me in the street.” 
                             Let`s sack the oxygen…I think class A`s are needed……